May this be the only way you have to learn about chemo...

"During chemo, you're more tired than you've ever been.  It's like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you're out.  You don't know how you'll answer the door when your groceries are delivered.  But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been.  You're clear.  Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception.  Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience.  Now it's instantaneous."   ~Melissa Bank

My chemo is done! I am so thankful and so excited. Keeping up with my chemo schedule and even being able to somewhat predict what I would be experiencing and when throughout the cycles almost became 'old hat'.
Now that I am quickly approaching the next episode in this b/c saga, I'd like to share a few things with you.

CHEMO SUCKED! CANCER SUCKS!!

Seriously, chemo was a bit more difficult than I admitted while I was going through it. I also realized very soon after starting it that I wasn't quite the "super girl" that I thought I would be. I truly believed that while undergoing chemo I would be able to maintain my quality of life as it had been.

Chemo was bearable, but it wasn't easy. I suffered physically, sometimes so much so that I couldn't hide it if I tried. Bust most times I tried my best to somewhat hide what I was experiencing. I did so for several reasons. First and foremost, I didn't want those around me to suffer or worry any more than they already were. Sharing my physical pain wasn't going to take any of it away from me, but it would surely would have added to their emotional pain. Of course there were lots of emotional and psychological aspects of it to deal with also. Again, for the most part I chose not to share much of that. I believe now in retrospect that I chose not to in order to maintain my personal strength and positive attitude. Chemo is so big and bad and powerful that you can only take it in small doses - in more ways than just the medical administration of it. Had I truly thought about what I was going through or had I been quite candid about how it made me feel I don't know that I could have sustained my strength or my spirit.

Once I completed my last cycle my mind began to overflow with thoughts. I literally had insomnia towards the end of week 1, cycle 4. I wrote incessantly and began at least 2 dozen blog postings, several which I posted on the 10th of July and several still sit here on my desktop waiting to be finished or posted. I found that I wanted to talk about and share everything that I had experienced over the past few months. I thought that it was because I was simply excited that my chemo was over and that I had a burst of energy, which of course to some extent was true. I realize more than anything though that I share now because I can. I can finally let my defenses down and am able to safe rather than vulnerable from the negative affects of the chemo. I couldn't allow myself to admit how bad it was while I was going through it. Admitting it made it more real and may have caused me to let it have power over over me, rather than me over it.

Anyway, I'm done with it. Now I'm looking forward to it be done with me and ridding my body of all the remaining side affects. I am grateful though for what I have learned through this process and hope to always keep those lessons close to my heart.