Hip-Hip-Hooray!!!

It's Sunday night, 1 day shy of 3 weeks after my last chemo treatment. If I were facing chemo yet again tomorrow I would have already had the first of 2 required doses of steroids in preparation for tomorrow. Instead, I'm preparing for what I hope to be a restful night's sleep so that I can go back to work tomorrow!!! This may be my favorite blog posting yet! :0)

I am a Survivor AND a Warrior

I am a SURVIVOR, but I am more than that. I am a WARRIOR. My battle with breast cancer isn't over, nor will it ever be. Because this cancer has invaded my body once I now have to remain ever vigilant, even hyper-vigilant of it's recurrence or the invasion of a new cancer.

I'll be quite honest, my fear of recurrence is FAR greater than any fears I had with my initial breast cancer diagnosis. I always knew that I would be ok. I will in many ways always remain touched by this dreaded disease (scars, medications, evaluations) and I have accepted that. I just wish there were some magical way of feeling, of knowing, that this dreaded disease will never touch me again.

May this be the only way you have to learn about chemo...

"During chemo, you're more tired than you've ever been.  It's like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you're out.  You don't know how you'll answer the door when your groceries are delivered.  But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been.  You're clear.  Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception.  Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience.  Now it's instantaneous."   ~Melissa Bank

My chemo is done! I am so thankful and so excited. Keeping up with my chemo schedule and even being able to somewhat predict what I would be experiencing and when throughout the cycles almost became 'old hat'.
Now that I am quickly approaching the next episode in this b/c saga, I'd like to share a few things with you.

CHEMO SUCKED! CANCER SUCKS!!

Seriously, chemo was a bit more difficult than I admitted while I was going through it. I also realized very soon after starting it that I wasn't quite the "super girl" that I thought I would be. I truly believed that while undergoing chemo I would be able to maintain my quality of life as it had been.

Chemo was bearable, but it wasn't easy. I suffered physically, sometimes so much so that I couldn't hide it if I tried. Bust most times I tried my best to somewhat hide what I was experiencing. I did so for several reasons. First and foremost, I didn't want those around me to suffer or worry any more than they already were. Sharing my physical pain wasn't going to take any of it away from me, but it would surely would have added to their emotional pain. Of course there were lots of emotional and psychological aspects of it to deal with also. Again, for the most part I chose not to share much of that. I believe now in retrospect that I chose not to in order to maintain my personal strength and positive attitude. Chemo is so big and bad and powerful that you can only take it in small doses - in more ways than just the medical administration of it. Had I truly thought about what I was going through or had I been quite candid about how it made me feel I don't know that I could have sustained my strength or my spirit.

Once I completed my last cycle my mind began to overflow with thoughts. I literally had insomnia towards the end of week 1, cycle 4. I wrote incessantly and began at least 2 dozen blog postings, several which I posted on the 10th of July and several still sit here on my desktop waiting to be finished or posted. I found that I wanted to talk about and share everything that I had experienced over the past few months. I thought that it was because I was simply excited that my chemo was over and that I had a burst of energy, which of course to some extent was true. I realize more than anything though that I share now because I can. I can finally let my defenses down and am able to safe rather than vulnerable from the negative affects of the chemo. I couldn't allow myself to admit how bad it was while I was going through it. Admitting it made it more real and may have caused me to let it have power over over me, rather than me over it.

Anyway, I'm done with it. Now I'm looking forward to it be done with me and ridding my body of all the remaining side affects. I am grateful though for what I have learned through this process and hope to always keep those lessons close to my heart.

I Wanted to Write about Chemo Brain, But I Kept Forgetting

Funny title, but no kidding about the chemo brain (mild cognitive impairment). It really is the oddest thing to be in the middle of a conversation and all of a sudden you find that you are desperately and unsuccesfully searching for the next word which should be rolling off your tongue. Instead the conversation goes something like this, "you know, the stuff that you put on the thing with the bristles to clean your teeth (toothpaste). Up to this point it has actually been quite humorous. I imagine at some point it may become frustrating, especially after just learning that it can actually last for 1 - 2 years after completion of chemo!

Research shows that about 20-30 percent of people undergoing chemo therapy will experience mild cognitive impairment — word finding, memory, multitasking, learning and processing speed. Doctors don't know what causes the cognitive changes associated with chemotherapy, nor is it clear how often it happens or what may trigger it. It was previously thought that chemotherapy drugs were blocked from your brain by the blood-brain barrier, which separates chemicals that should be in your brain from those that shouldn't. Researchers now suspect some chemotherapy drugs may be able to slip past the barrier causing this chemo fog.

I'm no doctor, but from this chemo patients perspective, it's a no brainer!!!

Celebrate Life Party!!!

What: Celebrate Life!
When: August 2nd
Where: Our House
Who: Everyone!!! Friends, Family, Friends & their family :0)
Why: Life is Good - Let’s celebrate it !
(AKA chemo is over and socail life can begin again !!!)
Time(s): 5:00 - Open House/BBQ
This is a time to come visit and not worry about what to do with the kids -
bring them with you. I’ve missed seeing lots of my little friends too!
8:00 - House transforms into Margaritaville . Our infamous machines
will be serving “that frozen concoction” that helps us hang on ;0)
We hope you can come join us. We’ve missed everyone so much. Come for one or both parts of the party. Hang in for entire celebration, no matter, please come by and say hello.

RSVP via email or phone though so that we can be sure to have plenty of food and drink!

The (Not So) Great Communicator

Yes, I know my voice mail is often full and I realize that I have not been very good at returning calls, especially in a timely manner. (Mind you, this wasn't necessarily one of my most endearing qualities BEFORE the cancer!) ;0) I haven't kept up with my blog as I had envisioned or as some of you have wished. Although grateful for the invites, I have had to pass up far too many opportunities to get out and see friends and family. I have felt as if my social life has been put on hold, and (as Will may put it) my network has been temporarily disrupted due to technical difficulties (although I'm sure he would say it much more technically!)

I have not cooked any wonderful dinners in far too long but have on rare occasions microwaved a few not so wonderful ones. Take my wise advice and DO NOT try microwave Hamburger Helper. I should have suspected something when it was so simple that the meat was already included in the box . I get chills just remembering it. YUCK!!! Martha and Betty haven't had any competition from me in so long rumor has it they think it's safe to begin to rest comfortably. Between you and I, I too am beginning to wonder if I will still be able to give them a run for their reputation. (Well, there was the time no too long ago I did manage to bake the "Chocolate Chunk, Butterscotch, Toffee Chip, Marshmallow Disappearing Brownies for my treatment nurses and my Oncology Ward nurses (and me too) but hey - they have literally been my life savers! Although my oncologist did repectfully decline indulging due to the combination of his waistline and an upcoming beach trip.

Thank God for visiting "Mom(s)"! Had it not been for them I would be wearing extremely dirty clothes by now, if any at all due to the amount of laundry I have had to neglect. I have yet to figure out how pajamas can pile up so quickly. Furthermore, our carpet would no longer need to be replaced because, again, had it not been for mom's housekeeping, it would most certainly appear to have been replaced by the ever trendy "yellow lab-long hair black house cat" combination.

The dad's on the other hand proved to be just that, very "handy". We've had tons of house project done thanks to them.

I have forgotten how to type and am convinced of that more so each time I actually do attempt to blog. I hope that my co-workes continue to be as patient with me upon my return as they have been in my absence. I am truly blessed to work with some amazing people and although I can't give it it to them, I am sure they deserve a vacation for having worked so doubly diligently while I have been out.

Quite honestly, over the past couple of months I have seen my chemo nurses more than any of my friends and I see my oncologist almost as often as I see Will and our families.
I have missed so many things. OK, so maybe I don't missing having bad hair days but that's a posting in itself!

I began my blog by saying that this cancer is but a part of me and that I did not want it to consume me and although the cancer (thank GOD) hasn't, the treatment in a sense has in so many ways. My list of what has changed, how I've changed, what I miss, and basically what sucks could go on and on but I pray that I have finally reached the point in my treatment where I can start erasing the list rather than adding to it.

I have had so much to be thankful for through my treatment, which I'm sure I will never forget. Other things, such as the neutropenia, the hives, the rapid heart rate, and yes, EVEN the hair loss, and so much more are what I hope to soon be quickly fading memories.

Anyway, for not having kept in touch more often, communicated better, posted more, please understand that it wasn't personal. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear your well wishes, your voices or your laughter. It's not that I didn't want to see your smiling face and receive your hugs in person. Although I ask for your understanding, truly, unless you have physically walked this journey with me, it is difficult to fathom just how often I was either visiting either the doctor, the treatment nurses, and even the ER. Apparently the most popular form of treament for chemo related illnesses or complications is prescription upon prescription to make you sleepy.

I very appreciate all the prayers, well wishes and kind acts so please understand what you can from I have shared with you and forgive me for the lack of communication......

It's just that I've been battling this cancer as hard as I can with all that I am and I must admit, it has worn me out.

Name That Caption Contest

What was I thinking???

Motivating Cancer Quotes

"People should be afraid of the cancer, not the mammogram." ~ Nancy Reagan

"An individual doesn’t get cancer, a family does." ~ Terry Tempest Williams

"Cancer is not for sissies." ~ Suzanne Somers

"Cancer got me over unimportant fears, like getting old." ~ Olivia Newton-John

"As a cancer survivor, I am very aware of how many wasted minutes I don't have. The surest way to waste what is left of your life is to worry about what might happen or what might have been. "~ Shelley Hamlin

"Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves." ~ Carol Pearson

"We "need" cancer because, by the very fact of its incurability, it makes all other diseases, however virulent, not cancer. " ~Gilbert Adair, "Under the Sign of Cancer," Myths and Memories, 1986


The following quotes are from Lance Armstrong ~

"To be afraid is a priceless education."

"Anything is possible. You can be told that you have a 90-percent chance or a 50-percent chance or a 1-percent chance, but you have to believe, and you have to fight."

"Chemotherapy is war."

"If you ever get a second chance in life for something, you've got to go all the way."

"So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it’s meant to improve us."

My Best Treatment

WILL.

Simply, honestly and completely put, Will.

His humor.
His positive attitude.
His support.
His caretaking.
And last but certainly by immeasurable amount, not least, his patience with me.

Subtle Angels

"There are angels on this earth and they come in subtle forms." ~ Lance Armstrong

I was at the chemo clinic getting my picc line cleaned when my subtle form of an angel appeared. I'd done a relatively good job of keeping my spirits up and maintaining my positive attitude up until that particular day but admittedly, it was all beginning to take it's toll one me and maybe it showed.

I don't know about most treatment clinics but the one at Walter Reed is always in a state of controlled chaos. The patients range in age as much as in cancer diagnosis and prognosis. There is a limited staff of nurses who, although are truly overworked always have a smile and a story to share and ensure you are never made to feel like a burden. As these nurses carry around chemo cocktails infusing patient after patient they are literally carrying life (or death) within their very own hands. I find that in itself unbelievably amazing.

Anyway, there's a constant buzz in the air between the machines making all kinds of beeping and buzzing, the nurses scurrying about and some of who I believe to be the chattiest patients of all, the cancer patients themselves and their "angel for the day" or designated chemo care person.

I often don't wear hats or scarves in public. It's simple. I'm currently bald and it's a fact. This particular day though I had on a "do-rag" and as i walked in to the room full of fellow currently bald people some old fella said to me, "You going swimming sweetie?" Of course my answer was no and so he didn't hesitate to tell me to take of my "swim cap" and join them.

The conversation centered (as usual) around hair loss, number of treatments, types of cancer, etc. The subtle lady across the room was their with her father, he was the one receiving treatment. She herself was a breast cancer survivor and carried a picture of herself when she was undergoing treatment and bald. I was a bit surprised that she carried the photo and as she removed it from her wallet to show me she explained that being bald was a constant reminder of what was important and that through the years and with the growth of her hair and the "return to normally" she didn't ever want to forget what she knew then. She reached out and touched my arm and told me that before I knew it this would all become a distant memory to me. That what now consumed my life and my mind would soon one day just be a memory that would be stored in the back of my mind.

For the first and only time ever while I was in the treatment room my eyes filled with tears. Not tears of fear or pain, but of relief.

I SO needed to hear that. I sat on my bathroom floor only a couple of days before that crying, sobbing, because I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and downhearted over the current condition of my life and my health. I realized that I had not felt joy or excitement in months. I felt as if I could hardly even remember true happiness.

I don't know if I am able to fathom all of this becoming just a distant memory. I hope that I don't ever have to carry around a photo to remind me of a time when I knew what was important. But what I do know is that day i needed that subtle angel to share those words with me. And I thanked her for being my angel that day.

Who Knew Chemo Was So Generous?

I'm perplexed. I usually have very good manners which leads me to say and do the right thing when things are given to me. And in keeping with that I have said my "thank you's" for the many things I have received during my treatment such as the cards, encouraging notes/emails, flowers, casseroles, even pj's and slippers. What I'm not sure what to do with is all the crap chemo has given me along it's course (Ironic - I misspelled course as curse - HA!)

abdominal pain
alopecia (hair loss)
arthralgias (joint pain)
asthenia (weakness)
bone/joint pain
change in taste buds
chemo brain
chest pain
dehydration
diarrhwa
dry skin
dyspnea (gastric reflux)
exhaustion
foliculitis
headache
hives
insomnia
inferno flashes
lethargy
loss of appetite
(found; insatiable appetite)
mucositis (mouth sores)
myalgias (muscle pain)
nauseau
neutropenia
neutropenic fever
peripheral neuropathy (numbness & tingling)
skin changes
tachycardia (rapid pulse rate)
tender scalp
vomitting
xerostomia (dry mouth)

How 'bout if I just decide not to keep any of them?! :0) I doubt that even Ms. Manners would mind!

Help Me Live

Shortly after my diagnosis, unbeknownst to me, a friend of ours recommended Will read a book entitled, Help Me Live; 20 Things People With Cancer Want You to Know. I don't know if it is based on insight gained from the book or simply because of the incredibly wonderful loving person that he is, but one thing is for certain, Will has helped me live.

I could and perhaps even should go on and on about Will but surprisingly enough I think I would have a difficult time capturing all that Will is and reducing it in to mere words.

I've thought many times though about the title of that book. I've read portions of it and both agreed and disagreed with it. I'm sure that would be the case of each and every cancer patient reading it but still, it's a start to helping someone who loves you understand what you need and I would definitely recommend the book.

Knowing me though you won't be surprised to see that I've added my 2 cents worth.

#1 - Cancer is not synonymous with terminal, handicap, or invalid
#2 - Cancer is not contagious
#3 - Cancer redefines relationships
#4 - Cancer serves as a corrective lense on life; warning - filters may be required
#5 - Cancer doesn't have to consume you but understand that at times the treatment of it may
#6 - As much as you want to carry this for me, please understand that you are limited to walking next to me
#7 - What a difference a day makes. Sometimes a moment is all the difference it takes

When the credits roll...

It's an unfortunate fact of life that nearly everyone we meet has been affected by some type of cancer in some way. Once cancer touches us it affects us. It may mold us, completely reshape us, tear us down, soften us or harden us. In some cases it stirs a passion within. And in this particular case it embodied 2 special women with both compassion and empathy and has led them to reach out in kindness more times than they even realize.

I've not mentioned many names within my blog but sometimes the credits do need to roll. So here are tons of hugs and smooches dedicated to our dear friends Gillian and Kathy. For everything little thing, for being there for me, and for being there for Will, for simply understanding - thank you.

See - Not EVERYONE Looks So Good Bald!!!

I actually like my bald head!

I've been perusing through some other breast cancer blog sites and quite honestly, sometimes I'm surprised at what I come across. I realize that everyone handles things in their own way and on their own terms but yet I can't help but wonder how some people make it through what has to be one of the most difficult times in your life with an attitude that is "less than positive". For example, this quote really caught me and I really felt the need to respond to it, if only through my own blog.

"What is it about my bald head that makes people want to rub it?  And, if someone tells me that I have a nice shaped head one more time, I’m going to deck them.  The shape of a woman's head is not a typical feature of beauty.  No one has ever heard anyone say, “Check out that bald chick.  The shape of her head is so nice that I can’t help but admire her.I look ridiculous and I know I look ridiculous.  It is a phase that I am willing to go through to get better, but in the mean time, I don’t have to like it.  I just have to deal with it. " (Quote from a breast cancer survivor blog)

Call me crazy, tell me it's the chemo brain, or agree with me that attitude is everything, regardless, I LOVE my bald head! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE rubbing it! It's as if I am carrying around my own personal GUND teddy bear. :0) And, I am SO thankful that I do have a great shaped head. It's true that not all heads are shaped the same. Admit it, haven't we all seen a bald headed man or 2 who would look better WITH hair? Even with folliculitis my dermatologist told me I had a great head. Who am I to argue with the opinion on an expert?

I agree with the writer that she doesn't HAVE to like, only deal with it, but take it from me, it's so much easier to deal with when you actually do like it!

Tammy's Top 10 - Benefits of Cancer

(Order is strictly mood based!)

*You actually get to think "It's All About Me" and it really is!

*You find out just how many people love in in so many ways.

*You truly do get a different perspective on life (make it a good thing)

*You can eat whatever you want when you do feel like eating and then blame it on the steroids (Soon to be transferred over to the worst list!)

*The exhaustion forces your independent, caretaker attitude to simply be quiet and appreciate someone else taking care of you.

*If you're "lucky" enough to have chemo in the summer, your head stays much cooler than all those "hot" chicks with the long, luscious locks.

* You can attribute (aka blame) most things on "chemo brain"

*OK - So maybe I here really isn't 10 that I can think of! But hey - I don't have to, I'm going through chemo! ;0)