6 months ago I found a lump. 60 days ago I underwent my 2nd lumpectomy. 6 years from now now will have survived the the most prominent time for recurrence. Time will go on, many events will occur and many things will change but one thing is certain for me, I will never again be the same.
I hate to admit what an impact this b/c has had on me, physically of course but mentally and emotionally as well. At times I couldn't tell you which is the heaviest. I guess it all depends on the situation or even the moment.
My menopause is in full swing and every day that I think I have felt the full affects of the lack of estrogen in my body it shows me otherwise. I don't know how long I will be suffering from these hot flashes but I can tell you that Thursday night I had "hot flashes" every 30 minutes for approximately 2-5 minutes beginning at 3:15 in the morning. Just as one would pass and I would finally feel like I was drifting off to sleep again, another would come on. This continued for houre until I finally got out of bed for work. My inability to have estrogen won't ever end but I guess, and hope and pray that at some time the menopausal symptoms will fade.
I haven't slept well since my initial surgery in December for a multitude of reasons. I am still not able to comfortably lay on my stomach and because of the lymph node biopsy, I am not able to extend my left arm above my head for more than a few minutes or lay on my left side for long. Sleeping has become a chore for me. I hate to be a complainer but I am exhausted!
Every pain I feel within the "ta" causes me to question if it is from the healing, or if it is from the cancer. I have occosaional pain on theother "ta" as well, which is not new and although the dr's haven't been able to explain it they tell me that it isn't a sign of b/c. My questions come with no answers, which lead to more concerns. Either way, I'm done with being in pain and limitations. It's been far too long now, and this is only Part I of the process.
The combination of 3 surgeries, not sleeping well and the lack of hormones is taking a toll on me. I look in the mirror lately and see a reflection I feel like I shouldn't be seeing for several years to come. I feel old and tired and worn out. I hate that I feel this discouraged sometimes and I still have such a long road ahead of me - radiation, possibly chemo, 5-10 years of daily medication, menopause, risk for osteoporosis, 6 month exams, & the possibility of recurrence. I hate that cancer will forever remain a significant part of my life.
I know that in time I will be fine, but I also know that I will never again be the same.
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